Through eight years on his blog, Barker has explored the ingredients behind success, which he distills in this book. Some of what he found is common sense, some intuitive but wrong, some effective but untenable. I like his balanced approach of looking at both sides of each purported driver of success, because it examines not only the rewards but the tradeoffs. He also blends social science research and captivating stories, including tales of prison gangs, Navy SEALs, Ted Williams, chess champions, hostage negotiators, etc., to illustrate his points. Though his arguments are sometimes circuitous and incomplete, and the subtitle is exaggerated, overall his reasoning is cogent, and writing style engaging. The book makes for a good read. Lessons learned: find your ‘pond’, initiate more, practice optimism, do small experiments, make more friends, know yourself, align yourself, be self-compassionate, plan, and define your own measures of success.
- Should we play it safe and follow the rules or break them and be an iconoclast?
- Valedictorians tend to be careerists, who settle into the system rather than shake it up. While they eliminate the downsides of life, they are also not likely to be the top achievers in life. Good conformists in school, but life has no set rules.
- ‘Filtered’ leaders played by the rules, came up through the ranks, and are well vetted. ‘Unfiltered’ leaders are in the right place at the right time, “came in through the window”, and are unpredictable. Filtered leaders are dependable but unextraordinary; unfiltered leaders can be disaster but often make transformative changes.
- Unfiltered leaders often have an ‘intensifier’—an eccentric quality that is usually considered bad, but under the right conditions, can be rocket fuel. ‘Hopeful monsters’ (e.g. Michael Phelps), have an extraordinary mutation that is especially advantageous in a very narrow domain. Similarly, dandelions are resilient and common; orchids are fragile and rare; but when nurtured right, orchids’ bloom is superior.
- Outliers live in the extreme tails. Cutting off the downside of the distribution may unwittingly eliminate the qualities that produce the highest upside. Ex: mad geniuses, hypo-maniacal entrepreneurs, venture capital.
- To be successful, figure out your type (filtered vs. unfiltered), signature strengths (including intensifiers), and pick the right ‘pond’ (environment) to apply them.
- Do good guys finish last?
- Jerks get more raises; ass-kissers get more promotions; cold leaders are perceived as more powerful. Selfishness often wins out in the short term, but it destroys goodwill and breeds resentment and retaliation, and so loses in the long term.
- Nice guys sometimes finish last, but often finish first too—they have wider dispersion. Selfless ‘Givers’ get exploited by ‘Takers’, but moderate ‘Givers’ promote and benefit from trust by other ‘Givers’ and ‘Matchers’. ‘Takers’ do better in the short term, but is disliked and restrained but everyone else, including other ‘Takers’.
- In some contexts, “bad” is more impactful than “good” (e.g. parents, feedback).
- In iterated, continual dealings, as in the repeated Prisoner’s Dilemma, the dominant strategy is a strikingly simple one: be nice first, reciprocate tit-for-tat (i.e. punish if necessary), but also occasionally forgive (prevents a “death spiral”).
- Taking initiative wins in the long term. Givers lose a little in the beginning to Takers, get equal treatment (and protection) from Matchers, and gain a lot from other Givers. Matchers do okay, but lose too many interactions because they don’t give first.
- Grit or quit: when to give up?
- Grit comes from ‘positive self-talk’: optimistic, encouraging, purposeful stories we tell ourselves.
- Humans have a strong narrative bias; stories often rule our thinking. Christians have parables, Hindus have sutras, all religions have sermons, atheists have movies. These stories give us a sense of meaning.
- Pessimists are better tuned to reality. Optimists self-deceive (“cognitive reappraisal”). “A healthy mind tells itself flattering lies.” However, optimists end up healthier, more successful, and luckier. Optimistic people try more novel things, which increases the chance (luck) they run into something good.
- When there’s no clear path to success, continually trying new things may be the best solution. Little bets often. Don’t fear failure. Fail fast, fail cheap. Try, fail, and learn. Short experimentation as a deliberate strategy until you find what to really focus on.
- Optimism is an attitude and can be changed. Three P’s explanatory style: permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization. Tell yourself: “bad things are temporary, isolated, and not my fault”.
- A good game (WNGF): Winnable, Novel challenges to master, clear Goals, quick Feedback loop. Transform your bad situation into a game, one you can slowly win.
- “If you’re immune to boredom, there is literally nothing you can’t accomplish.” The industrial revolution’s relentless focus on efficiency has stripped out the emotional attachment and fun from labor, which is why many people hate work. We need meaning and connection in our job.
- WOOP process: what is your Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and Plan?
- Quit: i) when the goal is not attainable; or ii) when it’s not your priority and it frees you up to do your priority.If the plan is realistic and motivating, then use grit.
- Is it more important “what you know” or “who you know”?
- Extroverts are more often chosen as leaders, have more friends, and are more successful (have more opportunities). However, they are also more risk-taking, overconfident, and associated with high crime and infidelity. Introverts are more likely to be experts, because they can devote themselves to practice (alone). They tend to have higher education, more creativity, and better listening skills. But most people are ambiverts.
- Networking is really just making friends. “Friends are just the family we choose.”
- Proximity is key, stay connected, follow-up
- Find similarities, join groups, meet super-connectors
- Be a Giver, spend time, help
- Ask questions and listen
- Find mentors: they accelerate learning, increase motivation. Don’t dare waste their time: do your homework first, research them deeply, and stay connected.
- A good close circle of people raises you up. Choose carefully who surrounds you.
- In a heated argument, the logic area of the brain shuts down; the primitive threat area gets activated. Reasoning and evidence don’t work. Explaining is veiled dominance—you’re not really trying to educate, you’re trying to win. In war, if one party wins with words, the other party loses. Nobody wants to lose. Instead, focus on emotions: listen, care, empathize, have patience. People usually just want to be heard and understood.
- In negotiations, use the principles of friendship: patience, ask questions, listen, show gratitude, trust, humor, even
- Confidence: should you “fake it till you make it”?
- The perception of confidence is a powerful signal, it leads others to believe you’re more competent, have leadership qualities, and higher status.
- Overconfidence:
- Leads to: higher risk-taking, higher earnings, more success (from accomplishing more challenges)
- Short term: may be beneficial, lowers stress, feels powerful –> power corrupts –> less communication, less empathy, dehumanizing others –> more self-deception, more self-delusion, less self-awareness
- Long term: prolonged self-deception actually leads to you deceiving yourself and a warped sense of reality. Denial and hubris are dangerous. Also leads to distrust and dislike from others.
- Slippery slope from short term to long term. Like lying too much. It’s hard to be self-aware. Consequences can be catastrophic because experts fall for this bias.
- Humility:
- Underconfident learning mindset seeks critical feedback –> gives opportunities to improve
- Paranoid ambition/ obsessionare powerful to performance. Pessimists are better realists.
- Humble leaders are better liked
- Healthy middle is ‘self-compassion’: feel good about yourself without blinding yourself to growth; accept your imperfections and forgive yourself for mistakes
- Work hard or work-life balance?
- Extreme success requires hard work, usually at a monomaniacal level. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” But obsessive passion for work tends to crowd out relationships with people and health, two of the highest predictors of happiness. We can’t “sequence” relationships; they require consistent attention.
- Motivation (ambition) is the strongest predictor of success, it dominates intelligence or ability. Threshold hypothesis: significant contributions come from people with at least 120 IQ—but more IQ doesn’t matter. Disciplined work and productive volume count more. Motivation stems from work that is meaningful to you that you’re also good at.
- Research shows productivity drops off significantly after 55 hours/ week. Sleep, relaxation, and play are essential. “Energy, not time, is the fundamental currency of high performance.”
- People love having choices, but they hate making choices. Having is optionality, making is opportunity cost. Due to globalization and mobile devices, competition for our time has increased dramatically. Not working feels like an opportunity cost.
- In a world of global competition and abundant options, boundaries actually liberate us. Limitless freedom is overwhelming and paralyzing. We must decide on appropriate boundary lines for ourselves—our own definition of success, values, plans.
- Given abundant choice, people default to being ‘pickers’, taking the easy choice out of the options in front of them. To be happy, we should be ‘choosers’, deliberately surveying the landscape and our desires, and selecting or even creating our ideal option.
- Success should be measured with multiple yardsticks, and should be self-defined. Avoid the easy “collapsing” strategy of a single barometer (e.g. money). Just Enough book came up with four important measures: 1) happiness (joy), 2) achievement (winning), 3) significance (mattering), 4) legacy (extending).
- Maximizing is getting the best, satisficing is getting “good enough”. Maximizing is unfulfilling since searching through all options is very costly and still you end up feeling dissatisfied (always think you can do better). Satisficing is actually maximizing, with consideration of costs. “Good enough is almost always good enough”.
- Planning tips: track your time, schedule “deep” work protected time on the calendar (instead of to-do lists), schedule recreation time too, batch “shallow” work (e.g. emails), say “no” often, find conducive physical environment (e.g. distraction-free), follow an end-of-day “shutdown ritual”. Continuously track, review, and adjust the plan to suit.
- Simply, “success” is alignment between who you are (know yourself!) and where you choose to be. For work, align your signature strengths with your job. For relationships, align you goals and values with your core group of people. Lastly, focus on your people!
Finished: 9-Apr-2019. Rating: 8/10.